tHis bipolar

Today was a day like no other. This is not saying that it is like no other due to the quality or a new experience, it's just a day that i won't forget. So let me give you some background on what i'm talking about okay...There has been a constant struggle inside of me for the past 8 weeks or so. Why? Because i was dealing with the possibility of being diagnosed with a mental illness. Yea a mental illness....sounds funny huh? That's what i thought too. But then after a couple of visits with my pyschiatrist i started to accept the fact that this might actually be happening. This- meaning what i was going through was a real thing, and that i wasn't as crazy as i sounded. Because i had been told by my medical doctor that it was all in my head... everything i was feeling, everything i was thinking, everything! when she said that i laughed and thought to myself yea you know what she's a typical doctor, just typical. (No offense to any doctors out there) I wanted someone to believe that what i was saying was real, was the truth, and frankly that's because it is the truth! I mean wouldn't that make you upset if something you couldn't wrap your head around was happening to you and people told you that it was all "just in your head"....yea. Anyways, after getting through the intitial appointments, testing, and evaluations...I have an answer finally! Today I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. Now i had always heard about Bipolar disorder as a terrible thing, frankly because it's not like it's a cool thing, but also it isn't the end of the world. Sure there are mostly cons to this illness, but i think there are some pros too. I have learned so far that it is going to take a lot of guts to pull this off till the end, end of my life that is. And not trying to brag or anything but if i can keep it up and stick through this then I will be happy to say that i am a BPD survivor. If you're asking yourself why be proud of being a survivor..the reason is because the risk of suicide is much greater in BPD people than in the general population.
On another note...having this diagnosis also scares me a bit because i know what it has done so far. There isn't much that i don't know about the disorder technically, so you would think that knowledge is power. but there is one thing that is definite- BPD is unpredictable! You can't trust it, I can't trust it! On any given day i could be a different person than i was the day before. However, i am going to try not to use this as an excuse. And i say try because i have seen a loved one go through her ups and downs, and well, there is no excuse except to say- yep she had a bipolar day. no other excuse. With medication and therapy however, i can expect to get a grip on what having BPD means for me, for my life, for those around me. I can get a grip on what has been tearing me apart inside, making me crazy, and giving me an endless amount of questions. I can & I will get through this with His help and the "Godsends" that i've been blessed with. Not everyday will be sunshines and rainbows by any stretch of the imagination but everyday will bring me new challenges and experiences that will only mold me more into the woman that God wants me to become. I am going to look at this diagnosis and opportunity, optimistically(sp). It may beat me some days, i may lose control, but He never will! & only because of tHis am i going to be able to sleep tonight when i know that a tough, long road lays before me. So like one of my inspirators said: " The goal is to be on the path laid before my feet while keeping my eyes on the One who can guide my steps"
And plus there will always be storms to get through in tHis life, but even when it pours, God still reigns!