Today was a day like no other. This is not saying that it is like no other due to the quality or a new experience, it's just a day that i won't forget. So let me give you some background on what i'm talking about okay...There has been a constant struggle inside of me for the past 8 weeks or so. Why? Because i was dealing with the possibility of being diagnosed with a mental illness. Yea a mental illness....sounds funny huh? That's what i thought too. But then after a couple of visits with my pyschiatrist i started to accept the fact that this might actually be happening. This- meaning what i was going through was a real thing, and that i wasn't as crazy as i sounded. Because i had been told by my medical doctor that it was all in my head... everything i was feeling, everything i was thinking, everything! when she said that i laughed and thought to myself yea you know what she's a typical doctor, just typical. (No offense to any doctors out there) I wanted someone to believe that what i was saying was real, was the truth, and frankly that's because it is the truth! I mean wouldn't that make you upset if something you couldn't wrap your head around was happening to you and people told you that it was all "just in your head"....yea. Anyways, after getting through the intitial appointments, testing, and evaluations...I have an answer finally! Today I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. Now i had always heard about Bipolar disorder as a terrible thing, frankly because it's not like it's a cool thing, but also it isn't the end of the world. Sure there are mostly cons to this illness, but i think there are some pros too. I have learned so far that it is going to take a lot of guts to pull this off till the end, end of my life that is. And not trying to brag or anything but if i can keep it up and stick through this then I will be happy to say that i am a BPD survivor. If you're asking yourself why be proud of being a survivor..the reason is because the risk of suicide is much greater in BPD people than in the general population.
On another note...having this diagnosis also scares me a bit because i know what it has done so far. There isn't much that i don't know about the disorder technically, so you would think that knowledge is power. but there is one thing that is definite- BPD is unpredictable! You can't trust it, I can't trust it! On any given day i could be a different person than i was the day before. However, i am going to try not to use this as an excuse. And i say try because i have seen a loved one go through her ups and downs, and well, there is no excuse except to say- yep she had a bipolar day. no other excuse. With medication and therapy however, i can expect to get a grip on what having BPD means for me, for my life, for those around me. I can get a grip on what has been tearing me apart inside, making me crazy, and giving me an endless amount of questions. I can & I will get through this with His help and the "Godsends" that i've been blessed with. Not everyday will be sunshines and rainbows by any stretch of the imagination but everyday will bring me new challenges and experiences that will only mold me more into the woman that God wants me to become. I am going to look at this diagnosis and opportunity, optimistically(sp). It may beat me some days, i may lose control, but He never will! & only because of tHis am i going to be able to sleep tonight when i know that a tough, long road lays before me. So like one of my inspirators said: " The goal is to be on the path laid before my feet while keeping my eyes on the One who can guide my steps"
And plus there will always be storms to get through in tHis life, but even when it pours, God still reigns!
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
Lonely?
Okay so i am not in the writing mood at the moment, so i am posting a blog that i wrote about a year ago. More will come eventually.
There are alot of people i know that are lonely....whether they want to admit it or not, some dont even notice it in themselves. You know i used to not believe in loneliness. I thought gosh there are soo many people in the world, so how is anyone lonely? But i have learned since then.
"You are with me" Psalm 23:4 David knew what it felt like to be lonely.....betrayed. He wrote: " Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted." Ps. 25:16
"Im tired of all this-so tired. My bed had been floating forty days and nights, On the flood of my tears. My mattress is soaked, soggy with tears. The sockets of my eyes are black holes; nearly blind, i squint and grope." (Ps.6:6-7) In another verse he says: "When they were sick, i dressed in black;instead of eating i prayed. My prayers were like lead in my gut, like i'd lost my best friend, my brother. I paced, distraught as a motherless child, hunched and heavyhearted....But when i was down they threw a party! All the nameless riffraff of the town came chanting insults about me. Like the barbarians desecrating a shrine, they destroyed my reputation. Yahweh, how long are you going to stand there and do nothing?" (Ps. 35:13-17)
David knew the feeling of loneliness. He knew it in his family. He was one of the eight sons of Jesse. But when the prophet Samuel asked to see Jesse's boys, David was overlooked. The prophet counted and asked if there wasn't another child missing. Jesse said "I still have the youngest son. He is taking care of the sheep." (1 Sam.16:11).....Jesse's term for "youngest son" was not complimentary. He literally said "I still have the runt" some of you were the runt in your family. The runt is the one the others have to put up with and keep an eye on. And on this day the runt was left out. How would you feel if a family meeting was called and your name wasnt? Things did'nt improve when he changed households either. His inclusion in the royal family was King Saul's idea. So was his exclusion. Had David not ducked, he would have been pinned to the wall by the spear of a jealous king. But David did duck, and he did run. For ten years he ran. Into the wilderness he ran. Sleeping in caves, surviving on wild animals. He was hated and he was hunted. David was no stranger to loneliness. You aren't either. By now you've learned that you don't have to be alone to feel lonely. Two thousand years ago 250 million people populated the Earth. Now there are more that 5 billion. If loneliness could be cured by the presence of ppl, then surely there would be less loneliness today. But it still lingers. Loneliness is not the absence of faces.It is the absence of intimacy. Loneliness doesn't come from being alone, it comes from feeling alone. Feeling as if you are: facing death alone, facing disease alone, facing the future alone. Wheter it strikes you in your bed at night, or on the drive to the hospital, in the silence of an empty house, or the noise of a crowd, loneliness is when you think, I feel so alone. Does anyone care?....... Bags of loneliness show up everywhere. They litter the floors of classrooms and clubs. We drag them into parties and usually drag them back out. You'll spot them near the desk of the overworker, next to the table of the overeater, and on the nightstand of the one night stand. We'll try anything to unload our loneliness. This is one bag we want to drop quickly. But should we? Sould we be so quick to drop it? Rather than turn from loneliness, what if we turned toward it? Could it be that loneliness is not a curse, but a gift from God? Your probably saying, Wait a minute Shelby, that can't be. Loneliness heavies my heart. It leaves me empty inside and depressed. It is anything but a gift....You may be right. But work with me for just a second....... I wonder if loneliness is God's way of getting our attention. Here's what i mean.
Suppose you borrow a friends mp3/ipod. You rummage through their colletion, looking for your style of music- let's say rock. But you find nothing. They've got nothing but their style of music- let's say country. It's a long trip. And you can talk to yourself for only so long. So you eventually turn on a song. You'd prefer a little steel guitar, but you're stuck with a bunch of hicks singing. Initially it's tollerable. At least it fills the air. But eventually it's enjoyable. Your hearts picks up on it. "Hey this isnt so bad" Now let me ask. Would you have made this discovery on your own? No. What led to it? What caused you to hear music you'd never heard before? Simple, you had no other choice, no options. You had nowhere else to go. Finally when the silence was too loud, you took a chance on a song you'd never heard. Oh, how God wants you to hear His music. He has a rhythm that will race your heart and lyrics that will stir your tears. You want to journey to the stars? He can take you there. You want to lie down in peace? His music can soothe your soul. But first He's got to get rid of that country-western stuff. (forgive me, i have nothing against country music) And so he begins to toss out those songs. A friend turns away. The job goes bad. Your signifigant other doesnt unerstand. The church is dull. One by one he removes the options until all you have left is God. He would do that? Absolutely. "The Lord disciplines those he loves" (Heb.12:6) If he must silence every voice, he will. He wants you to hear his music. He wants you to discover what David discovered and to be able to say what David said: "You are with me." Yes you Lord, are in heaven. Yes you rule the universe. Yes you sit upon the stars and make your home in the deep. But yes, yes, yes, you are with me. The Lord is with me. The creator is with me. Yahweh is with me. Moses proclaimed it: "What great nation has a god as near to them as the Lord our God is near to us." (Deut.4:7) Paul announced it: "He is not far from either one of us" (Acts 17:27) And David discovered it: "You are with me"...Somewhere David discovered that God meant buissness when he said: "I will not leave you" (Gen.28:15) " I will......not forsake my people" (1 Kings 6:13) The discovery of David is indeed the message of scripture- the Lord is with us. And since the Lord is near, everything is different. Everything......
You may be facing death, but you aren't facing death alone; the Lord is with you. You may be facing debt, but you are not facing debt alone; the Lord is with you. You may be facing relationship struggles, but you are not facing those struggles alone; the Lord is with you. Underline these words: You are not alone. Your family may turn against you but God won't. Your friends may betray you, but God wont. You may feel alone in the wilderness, but you are not. He is with you. And because He is, everything is different. You are different. God changes your n into a v. You go from lonely to lovely. When you know God loves you, you won't be desperate for the love of others. You'll no longer be a hungry shopper at the grocery store. Have you ever gone to a store on an empty stomach? You're a sitting duck. You buy everything you don't need. Doesn't matter if it's good for you- you just want to fill your stomach. When you are lonely, you do the same in life, pulling stuff off the shelf, not because you need it, but because you are hungry for love. Why do we do it? Because we fear facing life alone. For fear of not fitting in, we take drugs. For fear of standing out, we wear the clothes. For fear of going unnoticed we dress to impress. For fear of sleeping alone, we sleep with anyone. For fear of not being loved, we search for love in all the wrong places. But all that changes when we discover God's perfect love. And "perfect love casts out fear." (1John 4:18) Loneliness. Could it be one of God's finest gifts?
If a season of solitude is His way to teach you to hear his song, don't you think it's worth it? Yea. So do I. Basically we are never completely alone. JC is always with us. We just fail to realize it sometimes. And His love is the only one that comforts us entirely. He is the only thing that will sustain us. It's only the beginning.
There are alot of people i know that are lonely....whether they want to admit it or not, some dont even notice it in themselves. You know i used to not believe in loneliness. I thought gosh there are soo many people in the world, so how is anyone lonely? But i have learned since then.
"You are with me" Psalm 23:4 David knew what it felt like to be lonely.....betrayed. He wrote: " Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted." Ps. 25:16
"Im tired of all this-so tired. My bed had been floating forty days and nights, On the flood of my tears. My mattress is soaked, soggy with tears. The sockets of my eyes are black holes; nearly blind, i squint and grope." (Ps.6:6-7) In another verse he says: "When they were sick, i dressed in black;instead of eating i prayed. My prayers were like lead in my gut, like i'd lost my best friend, my brother. I paced, distraught as a motherless child, hunched and heavyhearted....But when i was down they threw a party! All the nameless riffraff of the town came chanting insults about me. Like the barbarians desecrating a shrine, they destroyed my reputation. Yahweh, how long are you going to stand there and do nothing?" (Ps. 35:13-17)
David knew the feeling of loneliness. He knew it in his family. He was one of the eight sons of Jesse. But when the prophet Samuel asked to see Jesse's boys, David was overlooked. The prophet counted and asked if there wasn't another child missing. Jesse said "I still have the youngest son. He is taking care of the sheep." (1 Sam.16:11).....Jesse's term for "youngest son" was not complimentary. He literally said "I still have the runt" some of you were the runt in your family. The runt is the one the others have to put up with and keep an eye on. And on this day the runt was left out. How would you feel if a family meeting was called and your name wasnt? Things did'nt improve when he changed households either. His inclusion in the royal family was King Saul's idea. So was his exclusion. Had David not ducked, he would have been pinned to the wall by the spear of a jealous king. But David did duck, and he did run. For ten years he ran. Into the wilderness he ran. Sleeping in caves, surviving on wild animals. He was hated and he was hunted. David was no stranger to loneliness. You aren't either. By now you've learned that you don't have to be alone to feel lonely. Two thousand years ago 250 million people populated the Earth. Now there are more that 5 billion. If loneliness could be cured by the presence of ppl, then surely there would be less loneliness today. But it still lingers. Loneliness is not the absence of faces.It is the absence of intimacy. Loneliness doesn't come from being alone, it comes from feeling alone. Feeling as if you are: facing death alone, facing disease alone, facing the future alone. Wheter it strikes you in your bed at night, or on the drive to the hospital, in the silence of an empty house, or the noise of a crowd, loneliness is when you think, I feel so alone. Does anyone care?....... Bags of loneliness show up everywhere. They litter the floors of classrooms and clubs. We drag them into parties and usually drag them back out. You'll spot them near the desk of the overworker, next to the table of the overeater, and on the nightstand of the one night stand. We'll try anything to unload our loneliness. This is one bag we want to drop quickly. But should we? Sould we be so quick to drop it? Rather than turn from loneliness, what if we turned toward it? Could it be that loneliness is not a curse, but a gift from God? Your probably saying, Wait a minute Shelby, that can't be. Loneliness heavies my heart. It leaves me empty inside and depressed. It is anything but a gift....You may be right. But work with me for just a second....... I wonder if loneliness is God's way of getting our attention. Here's what i mean.
Suppose you borrow a friends mp3/ipod. You rummage through their colletion, looking for your style of music- let's say rock. But you find nothing. They've got nothing but their style of music- let's say country. It's a long trip. And you can talk to yourself for only so long. So you eventually turn on a song. You'd prefer a little steel guitar, but you're stuck with a bunch of hicks singing. Initially it's tollerable. At least it fills the air. But eventually it's enjoyable. Your hearts picks up on it. "Hey this isnt so bad" Now let me ask. Would you have made this discovery on your own? No. What led to it? What caused you to hear music you'd never heard before? Simple, you had no other choice, no options. You had nowhere else to go. Finally when the silence was too loud, you took a chance on a song you'd never heard. Oh, how God wants you to hear His music. He has a rhythm that will race your heart and lyrics that will stir your tears. You want to journey to the stars? He can take you there. You want to lie down in peace? His music can soothe your soul. But first He's got to get rid of that country-western stuff. (forgive me, i have nothing against country music) And so he begins to toss out those songs. A friend turns away. The job goes bad. Your signifigant other doesnt unerstand. The church is dull. One by one he removes the options until all you have left is God. He would do that? Absolutely. "The Lord disciplines those he loves" (Heb.12:6) If he must silence every voice, he will. He wants you to hear his music. He wants you to discover what David discovered and to be able to say what David said: "You are with me." Yes you Lord, are in heaven. Yes you rule the universe. Yes you sit upon the stars and make your home in the deep. But yes, yes, yes, you are with me. The Lord is with me. The creator is with me. Yahweh is with me. Moses proclaimed it: "What great nation has a god as near to them as the Lord our God is near to us." (Deut.4:7) Paul announced it: "He is not far from either one of us" (Acts 17:27) And David discovered it: "You are with me"...Somewhere David discovered that God meant buissness when he said: "I will not leave you" (Gen.28:15) " I will......not forsake my people" (1 Kings 6:13) The discovery of David is indeed the message of scripture- the Lord is with us. And since the Lord is near, everything is different. Everything......
You may be facing death, but you aren't facing death alone; the Lord is with you. You may be facing debt, but you are not facing debt alone; the Lord is with you. You may be facing relationship struggles, but you are not facing those struggles alone; the Lord is with you. Underline these words: You are not alone. Your family may turn against you but God won't. Your friends may betray you, but God wont. You may feel alone in the wilderness, but you are not. He is with you. And because He is, everything is different. You are different. God changes your n into a v. You go from lonely to lovely. When you know God loves you, you won't be desperate for the love of others. You'll no longer be a hungry shopper at the grocery store. Have you ever gone to a store on an empty stomach? You're a sitting duck. You buy everything you don't need. Doesn't matter if it's good for you- you just want to fill your stomach. When you are lonely, you do the same in life, pulling stuff off the shelf, not because you need it, but because you are hungry for love. Why do we do it? Because we fear facing life alone. For fear of not fitting in, we take drugs. For fear of standing out, we wear the clothes. For fear of going unnoticed we dress to impress. For fear of sleeping alone, we sleep with anyone. For fear of not being loved, we search for love in all the wrong places. But all that changes when we discover God's perfect love. And "perfect love casts out fear." (1John 4:18) Loneliness. Could it be one of God's finest gifts?
If a season of solitude is His way to teach you to hear his song, don't you think it's worth it? Yea. So do I. Basically we are never completely alone. JC is always with us. We just fail to realize it sometimes. And His love is the only one that comforts us entirely. He is the only thing that will sustain us. It's only the beginning.
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